We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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