so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize