he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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