When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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