She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
