Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize