woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize