Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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