so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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