i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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