Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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