In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
only you would photoshop your dick
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
