I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
