don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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