just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
