So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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