Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
