Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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