You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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