My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
