I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
