Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
