Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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