i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize