I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
