also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
