..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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