He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
