I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
