Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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