I'm jealous of your bromance
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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