On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
