We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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