He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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