You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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