a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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