Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
