Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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