Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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