I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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