When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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