My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Randomize
