I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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