mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
