Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
