On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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