life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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