Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
