I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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