Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
