Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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