I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
