my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
