Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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