Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
