my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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