We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
BRING THE BAGELS
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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