I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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