God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
