Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
