Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
