I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
