I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize