escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
